Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
