I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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