I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
