Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This is the high leading the old right now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
