does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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