Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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