I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
