Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
