felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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