just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
