My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
