I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
