we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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