this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
