How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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