Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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