Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
