I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
