I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
