I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
