I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
