I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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