based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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