It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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