There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
