im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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