A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
