Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Sober January is a disaster.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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