So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.