apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
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I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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