Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
