i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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