I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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