I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
