she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
