What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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