why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It's never too late to be topless.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
