a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
