If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
