Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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