good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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