how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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