his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
