You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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