Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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