I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
