People in love make me want to vomit
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
