it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
only you would photoshop your dick
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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