last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
