I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
