Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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