Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaĂt comercial?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
