roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
