I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
