explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
