i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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