Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
